Who Dunnit?
by Daroga's Rainy Daae
Summary: The Les Miserables version of "Clue!" Eponine, Marius, Cosette, Gavroche, Enjolras, Fantine, Thenardier, Valjean and our very own sideburn-loving Javert team up to discover... who killed the bishop?


A storm crashed brutally in the rural Parisian skies, lightning flashing through the clouds and thunder roaring overhead like the sound that slab of metal makes when the kid backstage, who was too sucky to get a part in the play, wiggles it back and forth with uninspired vigor. Generally it was bad, and was raining pretty hard by the time Eponine decided to call it quits.  
  
  
The girl looked up at the sky hopelessly, all efforts of keeping herself dry useless. She was cold and barefoot and saw no cover over the stretch of five feet she could visualize in front of her. Other than that, the world was a mess of monsoon and harsh winds. Eponine had not meant to travel so far from the city, but merely wanted to get away from the life she was living, for a while. One thing led to another and soon she was hopelessly lost in the countryside.  
  
  
"This rots," she muttered to herself, shielding her eyes and trying to see beyond her limited vision. She caught sight of something on a hilltop just in front of her, and hurried to see if it was a place of shelter. Sure enough, as she made her way up the slippery, muddy slopes, she came upon the biggest mansion she'd ever seen.  
  
  
"Perhaps I could sneak inside for a bit," she said, crouching under the dark window and making her way to the giant double doors. Before she could squeak the left one open a crack as she had planned, someone inside flung the door wide, obviously expecting to catch the outside person off guard with a bang and a grand entrance. The door caught Eponine in the face and promptly clonked her down, the expected bang, satisfied.  
  
  
"Welcome!" the mansion owner boomed, stretching his arms with wide eyes. Eponine rubbed her head and glared up into the face of none other than Jean Valjean.  
  
  
"Hey, aren't you that-"  
  
  
"NO!" Jean Valjean interrupted, harshly. "Now quit asking questions and come inside unless you want to stay out in that nasty storm."  
  
  
Eponine hurriedly scrambled up from the ground without a second thought and leapt into the mansion. She gazed in awe at the miraculous chandelier above her, and trailed her eyes up the marble staircases. There were numerous rooms on either side of her entered by way of a large door, each probably twelve feet high.  
  
  
"Come on, come on, you're late as it is," Jean Valjean said, taking Eponine by the arm and leading her into what must have been the study. There were several people already inside who appeared to have been waiting for her, strangely.  
  
  
"Well, rats in the sewers, look who's here!" Thenardier hooted from the piano stool.  
  
  
"Holy crap, dad, what are you doing here?" Eponine asked, astonished. "As a matter of fact…" She trailed off, peering at everyone in the room. She knew them all! On the couch sat Marius, Cosette and Gavroche. In an easy chair was Enjolras, and across from him, perched atop a wooden chair, was Fantine. All but Gavroche, who was humming to himself, sat in grave silence. Thenardier silently slipped a few piano keys into his shirt.  
  
  
"I know you're all very confused," Jean Valjean said, interrupting the silence. "But there is a reason I brought you all here tonight."  
  
  
"To discuss political issues? Revolution? Rising against the government!?" Enjolras guessed. He appeared to be on a role, starting to rise from his chair, but Jean Valjean forced him back down.  
  
  
"No," he replied. "Underneath your seats, you each have a present. Open it."  
  
  
Everyone shuffled around, reaching beneath their chairs to find wrapped boxes. Gavroche squealed with delight and pulled off the wrapping paper with glee, having fun shredding the pieces until he reached the box. Marius and Cosette giggled, swapping boxes and opening them calmly. Thenardier reached into his jacket, pulled out the box, set it on the floor and picked it up again, pretending to have just found it. Jean Valjean happily gave Eponine a present.  
  
  
While the group exchanged odd glances, Jean Valjean continued. "You see, I have given each of you a weapon." Cosette pulled out a candlestick, looking confused. Marius held up a rope, Fantine fingered a revolver, Eponine pulled out a wrench, Thenardier happily tossed a knife around, Enjolras surveyed a lead pipe, and Gavroche tried out his brass knuckles on Marius. Marius howled and pummeled Gavroche, then started sobbing into Cosette's shoulder. She patted him awkwardly on the back.  
  
  
"What is the meaning of this?" Fantine asked with fright.  
  
  
"It ensures that you stay while we solve the mystery," Jean Valjean said, slyly.  
  
  
"What mystery?" Cosette asked as Marius regained his composure.  
  
  
"You will find out in a moment," Jean Valjean replied, even more slyly.  
  
  
"Conspiracy," Enjolras whispered in horror. "You work for the government, don't you!"  
  
  
"No! Don't you guys get it!? I'm against the government! Ah!" Jean Valjean seemed to lose himself for a moment, and was unable to get himself back before he established the *crazy bangs. "But yes, this is a conspiracy."  
  
  
"Knew it," Enjolras said, smugly.  
  
  
Suddenly, the doorbell rang.  
  
  
"That would be our last expected guest; I'll explain everything once I return," Jean Valjean said cheerfully, rushing out of the room to get the door. All just sat and blinked.  
  
  
Jean Valjean pushed open both doors just as a rather loud crack of thunder erupted above them. Lightning flashed and the silhouette of the visitor was clearly visible. The last remaining visitor entered the foyer, hair dripping, boots stomping with mud, and face set and stern. He immediately wiped off his sideburns, fixing them in the side mirror.  
  
  
"I am Inspector Javert," the visitor said clearly, satisfied with his sideburns and returning to sternly glaring at Jean Valjean. "And I am here to investigate the murder of one Bishop."  
  
  
*Crazy Bangs: When somebody goes mad and their bangs decide to fall into their eyes, establishing the even more ridiculously crazed look.  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Good? Bad? Please review! Thanks for reading! :D :D :D  



End file.
